My 20-year-old son is a recovering heroin addict. He recently celebrated his one-year anniversary. I seem to learn something from him everyday. He is an inspiration.
Over a year ago, having 78 days clean, my son called me at work to tell me he relapsed. I told him he knew what to do. He needed to work “His Program” and get to a meeting. By the time I came home from work he had called his 12-step sponsor and was on the phone with his therapist. Later that evening he met with his therapist and went to an NA meeting.
This was the first time I looked at my son knowing he was high. Obviously, I had been around him high before. However, I was never aware of exactly what being high on heroin looked like. I was stunned to notice that his pupils were truly the size of pinpoints. I couldn’t stop thinking that just 2 hours ago he was shooting heroin into his veins. I had a really hard time looking at him knowing he was high on heroin. He was crying, sobbing actually and truly needed me. I didn’t know if this was the real him or the effects of heroin. I had my guard up against being manipulated while he was high. I just wanted the high to wear off to see if he was sincere that this was a mistake. When I spoke to his therapist shortly after I came home, she said the high would last about 3 hours. Three hours? That is all it lasts? No wonder heroin addicts turn to lying, stealing and cheating if the buzz only lasts a short time. Those were three of the longest hours I can remember. Knowing your child is high on heroin while you are in the same room as him is horrifying. I kept looking at him out of the corner of my eye so he wouldn’t notice me staring at him. Looking for who knows what but I wanted to see what this “High” was all about. What is so great about it? What is the big attraction? Why do so many young kids try this in the first place? It didn’t seem that great to me. He didn’t slur his words or walk funny. He wasn’t laughing or having a good time. He was sad and sullen. The funny thing is, if he didn’t tell me he had used or if I didn’t know to look at the size of his pupils, I would never have known he was high. It’s no wonder I never knew when he was high before. If you are not looking for it, it is easy to miss. Heroin is and can be a silent assassin.
Something changed with him that day. He explains it best: “I had too much NA information in my head to enjoy the high.” He describes this incident as “using” rather than relapsing. “I was clean for 78 days but I was not really in recovery. I felt like I had one foot in the door of recovery & one foot out. I had gone to a meeting everyday but I never asked for help or for anyone’s phone number. I always sat in the back of the meetings.”
I thought I would ask him some questions about his relapse, or as he says, “using.” I wanted to know more of what was going on in his mind before he used, the weeks leading up to it. What were the warning signs? What could I have done to help him, if anything?
Mom: What could your Dad & I have done to help you?
Son: Nothing, you could have been all over my back 24/7 but it was still a reservation and set in stone that I was gonna use. No one was stopping me.
Mom: When you have seen your friends relapse could you tell it was going to happen?
Son: Yes. Just the pattern of behaviors and the way they slack on their program. And they put all of their focus on other things. One friend has a girlfriend; he is coming up on one year- he relapsed once before because he had a girlfriend. He doesn’t want to hear it from me or anyone. Another friend has relapsed and I have never seen it coming. I have seen him at a meeting and the next morning I hear he overdosed & almost died. He can fool everyone- but not himself.
Mom: Did you ever do anything proactive to help a friend who you thought was going to relapse?
Son: I can say all I want or offer help but us addicts are stubborn people. We don’t like asking for help and admitting we don’t know something.
Mom: Would you ever consider 301'ing yourself to keep from relapsing?
Son: No
Mom: Are there really things that parents do that make you want to use?
Son: There are things that my parents do that make me feel like I want to get high but it’s ultimately my choice. No one makes me use. If I want to get high then it’s my choice.
Mom: How would you feel if I had called your sponsor because I was worried about you?
Son: Probably embarrassed because my relationship with my sponsor is personal and I wouldn’t like you going to my sponsor even though I knew it would be for my well being.
Mom: What would you think if your sponsor had called me?
Son: That would mean I was not talking to him or lying to him.
Mom: Knowing that when you relapse your thinking goes out the window, what kind of plans can you put in place now to stop the relapse as soon as possible after it starts?
Son: I have to get the thoughts out. I have to talk about it.
Mom: If you think you are going to relapse how do you abort the urge?
Son: Call someone in the program immediately. It would have to be someone in the program. They would get it; know what I’m going through.
Mom: We all know there are places that are risky for you. What places are safe for you to go where relapse would be very unlikely?
Son: Meetings would be the number one place to be or wherever you go as long as you are with recovering addicts with significant clean time. Probably they would have to have more clean time than me but also knowledge of how to work a good program.
Mom: We always hear that the relapse starts in your mind before the actual event; can you stop it after it starts in your mind?
Son: Yeah. You can as long as you express it to someone. For me, opening up to another recovering addict is the best thing to do.
Mom: For those 78 days you had clean and you were in outpatient, was it all just a farce?
Son: No, it wasn’t a farce. I was only abstaining, but I acted like I was in recovery. For me, it was about choices. I chose what to do and how much to do. I went to the required amount of meetings and no more. I chose to be disconnected when I was at meetings.
Mom: Tell me some of the things that you did before you used?
Son: I was throwing my Revia away for about two weeks before. I would throw them down the disposal or in the garbage.
I was using the computer and contacting “user friends”. I planned the day and date I was gonna use. I remember sitting in outpatient on Monday night and all my thoughts were on getting high the next day.
Mom: Is there anything that I could have done to help you or prevent your use?
Son: After outpatient & before I contacted my “user friend,” nothing could have stopped me.
Mom: That is a very scary thought as a parent.
Son: It’s a scary thought as an addict too.
Mom: What made you call me right after you used?
Son: I knew what I was doing was wrong and I needed to change. I didn’t even enjoy it. Something clicked with me. It’s hard to explain. Someone in the program told me after being in NA [Narcotics Anonymous] the high would never be the same again.
Mom: Why did you reach out for help then?
Son: I did not know how to do it on my own.
Mom: After you used, when did your recovery begin?
Son: My clean date? The next day. I knew what to do and I made a choice to do it.
Mom: What did you do?
Son: I asked for help. I called a friend that day; he became my sponsor. I went to a meeting with him that night and I sat in the front of the room with him. I listened that night with “open ears.” The next day I asked for phone numbers. Me using was a wake up call. I turned it [recovery] up a notch and did all the things that were suggested to me.
Mom: Do you worry about relapsing or have constant thoughts about it?
Son: Not constant thoughts- No. I know it’s always a possibility though. That’s why I keep going to meetings and learning from others everyday.
Mom: What advice would you give someone on relapse?
Son: There is nothing good out there. Using drugs is life or death; it’s like rolling dice…
I enjoyed talking to my son about his “using”. Since he has been in Recovery, I have talked to so many different people; friends, family, parents at the PSST meetings, about my son’s drug use. It was nice to actually talk to him about it!
If you have been in a similar situation please leave a comment so others may learn from your experience.
Interview with My Recovering Addict- By Mary
Parenting Younger Siblings of Addicted Teens
When our child is a drug addict, it affects the entire family. This makes parenting even more difficult. If our teen is actively using drugs our primary focus needs to be saving their life. What about the siblings of the addict? Where do they fall into this? I found the following information very helpful.
As with any family-related trauma, the person at the heart of the concern gets the most attention. When adolescent mental health or substance abuse issues arise, the siblings of the substance abuser may be overlooked or neglected.
Parents focus on the child with the drug addiction. Grandparents provide support for the parents. Extended family members become educated about substance abuse. Faith communities are asked to pray for the child involved with illegal substances.
It’s expected, or at least hoped, that the siblings of the substance abuser will maintain their “good” status and allow everyone to focus on the child with the issues.
This single-focused attention may put the siblings in stressful situations. They get less one on one time with mom or dad. They might take on additional household responsibilities. They may be required to provide extra caretaking for younger siblings. And, siblings themselves may become at risk for various behavioral, mental health, or substance abuse issues.
As parents begin to create a plan to address the issues of the adolescent with substance abuse problems, they must also create a plan for the other children in the family.
Siblings still need one on one time with mom and dad. And, if the usual amount of time needs to be reduced, parents need to address it directly rather than assuming that the child “will understand.”
Parents should not neglect attending sports events, plays, concerts, and other recognition events for siblings.
Opportunities should be provided for expending physical energy. Whether the activities help to minimize issues of possible depression, or provide an outlet for negative emotions, the chance to run, play a sport, walk, or swim need to be easily available.
Provide positive feedback for the kids who are not substance abusers. It’s easy to emphasize the negative when under stress. Compliment the children when they are required to go above and beyond their usual responsibilities.
Create a schedule that allows siblings to continue extra curricular, community, or church and synagogue participation, whenever possible. This involvement provides stability, as well as a diversion from the emotionally charged home life.
Even if all members of the family are attending family therapy sessions, it may be beneficial for siblings to have additional one on one therapy. This might be with the family therapist, or a completely different counselor.
Parents and therapists mustn’t forget that when one child becomes a substance abuser, the other children in the family are also at risk. A study published by the University of Queensland and the University of Washington, in January 2006 (www.researchaustralia.com.au), showed that younger siblings’ use of alcohol and tobacco increases by three to five times when older siblings are already involved. They suggest that prevention programs, which usually focus on parent-child interactions, need to shift the focus to sibling influences.
How It Doesn't Work
A counselor in a treatment program handed me this yesterday. It has no author listed and according to the counselor this information can be used freely. There may be a way to motivate oppositionally defiant with these "opposite 12 steps."
"Rarely have we seen a person recover who has thoroughly tried to fake their way though this program...
"Those who do not make it are people who cannot or will not completely give up their jailhouse ways; usually men who are constitutionally incapable of not acting like criminals. They are unfortunates. They deserve to be incarcerated; they don't think they need to change. They are naturally capable of avoiding any manner of living that requires even one iota of honesty. There chances are not even below average. There are those, too, who don't realize that they have been diagnosed with grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to let go of their criminal thinking.
"Our stories of failures disclose in a confusing way, what we thought they were like, what we said the cops did and what we think the parole board should do. If you have decided to fail and are not willing to make an honest effort- then you are ready to take certain steps.
"Most of these we tried to avoid. we knew we could find an easier softer way. and we kept tring even though we were told we couldn't. With no sincerity in our minds, we urge you to be cowardly and sloppy from the very start. Most of us are holding on to our old ideas and won't let go no matter how negative the results.
"Remember that we deal with the man- cunning, baffling and powerful! With all the help it is too much for us. But there is one who should control all- that one is Self. May you depend on him forever.
"Half measures availed nothing. We avoided the turning point. We refused to ask for protection and care.
"Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of failure:
1. We refused to believe we were powerless and pretended that our lives were very manageable.
2. Refused to believe that a power greater than ourselves existed and felt we had no insanity.
3. Avoided any decision to turn our will and our lives over to anybody.
4. Avoided any searching or realistic inventory of ourselves.
5. Refused to admit to anyone that we had any problems.
6. Never became ready to make any changes.
7. Told others to mind their own business.
8. Forgot anyone we had harmed and realized that we were the real victims.
9. Continued to use such people whenever possible, except when to do so would not yield any profits to us.
10. Continued to avoid any responsibility and promptly blamed others.
11. Sought though pleasure and medication to do whatever we damn well pleased.
12. Having avoided any change as a result of these steps we continued to exploit others and practice these principals in all our criminal affairs."