There seems to be two basic categories for parents when they feel that a relapse for their teen is around the corner. Which category do you fit in?
One approach can be described as the "It's up to him now. He has to decide what he wants." In this approach, the parent does not deny that there are signs. Backing off of meetings, no calling sponsor, hanging out with old friends, having a chip on the shoulder day in and day out, feeling like you are starting to walk on egg shells around the teen again, seeing a lack of gratitude, noticing a strong sense of entitlement, overconfidence, the teen talking about how the treatment program they are in is "holding me back, " acting like a victim, talking about how the 12-step meetings don't help anymore, not taking suggestions and countless other signs are apparent. However, the parent has decided that the teen has to make their own decisions, that we can't work their program for them, and that they might even need to learn from a relapse. Often the belief is strong in the parents that "relapse is part of recovery."
The second approach is the category of "I'm not going to wait until you pick up to take action." In this second category, the parent believes that while they do not have the power to make their teen want recovery, they do have a responsibility to send action-based messages to their teenager that not working a strong recovery program is unacceptable. Just how the parent chooses to send this messages will vary depending on the circumstances. For example, does the teenager live at home or is he in an institution or half way house? If the teen lives at home, the powers of the parent are stronger. However, is the teen lives in an institution or half way house, then the parent can involve the staff of such places in the action-based message sending. In fact, involving the staff from whatever program is an action that can help send the message.
Let's examine more closely the action-based messages that you might send to your teen who still lives at home. Consider everything that your teenager does that requires a certain amount of trust. Driving a car. Getting to meetings on his own. Being on the phone with whomever and whenever. Managing his own money. Having his own mobile phone. Having a door or having a lock on his bedroom door. Having unsupervised access to an Internet connection. These are some ideas that can be used but there are no doubt many other good ones that you can think of because you know your child.
But how do you explain to your teen that you are restricting him from privileges because of a relapse that has not yet happened? Easy. It's about trust. If you don't trust him anymore then tell him that. Don't feel that you have to keep it a secret. You don't. Just tell him that you wish you had more trust; that you hope to have more trust soon, but that right now you are having a problem trusting him. This make it something that you as a parent "own." You aren't blaming him exactly although it is all related to what he is and to what he is not doing. The bottom is that you DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE letting him drive (for example.) No one can argue with you when you stake out your position based on something that you feel. It is your feeling- but the trick is to go with it.
You are powerless to create in your teen a willingness or a desire to recover. However, you are not powerless as far as sending action-based messages. The rule of thumb to follow is this one: doing something to send an action-based message is better than doing nothing. And generally, it will do one thing for you right away. You will feel better right away. You will feel better because you are not doing nothing. Doing nothing creates extreme anxiety. Doing something helps ease the pressure.
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